left my house at 805 and didn't get to work until 915.

made two mistakes at work...not really a big deal, but still my fault and i should have been more thorough with my work.

left work at 545, used 3 gallons of gas to go 35 miles (fuck you oakland and hayward traffic) and didn't get home until 715 because i had to put gas in my car.

almost got into two accidents on my way home from work, saw at least three along 880 south.

came home finding that my mom has a bad muscle strain from her neck to her elbow. it better not be more than just a simple muscle strain.

cooked dinner, washed dishes, played rock band, didn't feel better after any of the above.

tried to work on some design projects, but with little inspiration and with little knowledge of Flash (i was never really a flash person to begin with)

couldn't even help someone with something simple, and am now faced with the fear that they are really disappointed in me for being unable to help because i'm worrying about one thing and trying to take care of another.

can't leave my house in fear that i'll come home tomorrow and find my mom with something really serious.

all my friends are in LA/vegas right now, and i really don't have anyone to talk to.

lonely.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

(credits to darksakura)

Per one of tr2a's suggestions I picked up Chemical Bros' "Dig Your Own Hole" a few days ago. I have to say...DAMN. DAAAAAAAAAMN. Those beats are crazy fucking awesome...it's almost to the point of annoying but mesmerizing all at the same time. For some reason it reminds me of Alan's (above mentioned user) design work...:P

Also picked up DJ Shadow's "Endtroducing..." album...go UC Davis!!

Went through my parents' old CDs and am in the process of ripping Mariah Carey's "Daydream" and "Emotions" CD. I have a good stack of at least 12 albums here that I need to rip, from rock to pop to classical. And I KNOW my parents have some soul/old school R&B or funk around here...if I find it that'll be awesome. XD

I also have a 5th Dimension cd that has a medley of "Aquarius" and "Let the Sunshine" put together. <33333333

*_*;;

I am everything and nothing, a failure and a success, honest and a liar, good and bad.

It's only been a day and I didn't realize I would be this broken inside...maybe it's all the past years of never letting anyone reach out to me when I had problems. I want someone to be here yet I don't want anyone around. My heart competes with my rational mentality, seeking out something that is both irrational and rational at the same time.

The wounds cut so deep now that I can't cry anymore.

as requested per el brother-o.

*looks at several week-old homemade pasta sauce*

me: "Ma...your pasta sauce is molding!!! Ewwww!!"
mom: "Hey, at least it has life."

"Eat You Up" - if you don't watch the subtitled version and try not to pay attention to anything but the chorus and the beat it's not that bad of a song. It looks like she *might* have a higher chance of success in America vs. Coco Lee or Utada, but it's not that much higher. The American (Diane) version of her video makes her look awkward and uncomfortable with the sex appeal. They need to just sack that version altogether and debut the Korean (Cha) version of the video in American instead. The dancing and the explosive direction would probably appeal to the youth more (following the trend of all those dance movies and such). Plus she looks like she's having way more fun in the Korean version than in the American one =P

If they can sell her image correctly and if more than two songs are decent she will have a chance...let's hope that this turns out better than Utada x_X I am happy BoA's voice at least carries over ok in English.

Dear weekend 880s drivers:

Please do not brake randomly when there is 1000 feet and no traffic in front of you. It can cause accidents similar to the one I saw this morning on my way to work, in which one car's behind was completely smashed in. And I do mean completely.

Also stop going 70 in the fucking fast lane if there are cars behind you. Kthxbye.

Fucking Asian drivers. =P

~~~~~

One week to Halloween! This calls for a remake of my Bleach costume, except this time I will have a gi and a captain's jacket (#2 of course)~...my coworker also got me hooked on Fairy Tale today and I am already loving the story/art =)

Finished both Claymore (anime series and manga) and Elfen Lied (manga) within the past two weeks.

( Claymore spoilers/opinion )

Between the two I found Elfen Lied way more disturbing and violent, but only for the fact that there were humanoid girls killing each other and ripping limbs off people in addition to all the rape and violence against women. Anna was scary as fuck too >_< crooked-ass eyes and giant fuckin mutated head...what the hell...

At least Fairy Tale seems far less disturbing and more lighthearted...Bleach is going slow as usual so I need something to occupy my time in between waiting for new chapters of Bleach and Claymore to come out <3

my mom is a fob

bahahahahahahaha.

*DROOL*

Too bad it's $2500...if it weren't for that and the fact that I'm planning to get a Wii before Thanksgiving then I probably would have bought it around Christmas. Next year I will shoot for that Macbook. Next year ;_;

Dear mayene,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but the mafia wants you. I think I realized it last year in your closet and I saw you pull the clothes off my mustard souffle. I'm sure you're man enough to understand that I did a sex change. I'm returning your ring to you, but I'll keep your neighbor Martin as a memory. You should also know that I was interviewed by the Times about our friendship.

Good luck on your short-term leave from jail,
-Erin-

( DA RULES )

ahahahahaha surprisingly entertaining. whoever wants to do it can do it. XD

and now a word from our friendly FUs for the week:

Dear black BMW X3,

That lane to the left of me this morning in the 25 mph zone is NOT (and I repeat NOT) a passing lane. Last I checked it's not really all that safe to zoom by me on that street at 45-50 mph in the lane that (and I repeat) IS NOT A FUCKING PASSING LANE. I hope your ass got caught for speeding since cops crawl all over Alameda waiting for them to fall for all those speed traps. And by the way, I slowed down to 30 mph coming out of the Webster tube because OH HAY IT'S A FUCKING SPEED TRAP. There's a reason the speed limit coming out of the tube is 40 mph and then 25. If you wanted to pass me that bad you could have used the significantly more legal (and safer) lane to the right of me. Then again if you sideswiped me and caused a near fatal accident at least that would have been karmaic payback for your sorry speeding ass. I hope the cops got you this morning for going 50 in a 25 zone and also running the (red) left turn light.

>_<

I am also convinced that Interstate 880 drivers (next to 80 drivers) are some of the most retarded drivers in the world. There were no fucking accidents on 880 South at 6 p.m. yet it took me almost an hour to get home (normally it takes me about 35 minutes). What. The. Fuck.

It's always the smallest but most important things that I lose. Why can't I find it, even though I'm sure it was just right here? It is the one thing that may not seem like much, that may not be the most significant or may be commonly found everywhere, that becomes the most important to me and yet I still manage to lose it.

And on top of that I'm being ignored and not being told why. I'm trying to swallow my pride and understand that people need their alone time just as much as I need mine, yet it is still equally as frustrating to not understand why things are going the way they are. I'm trying to accept the fact that I crave so much attention from one person, yet when I seem to accept this fact it's thrown back into my face. Is it really so hard to find a boyfriend or a companion that can take everything that I need and make it what I want? Why am I even trying anymore when I'm not even sure of where this road takes me? I didn't want to understand anything; I simply wanted to follow the flow, but now I'm trying to create my own road and forcing things that can't be forced.

I should have stopped trying and simply let it go a long time ago, but I can't seem to bring myself to do either. I don't understand why I've made the choices I've made; at the time they've simply felt right and I've gone with my gut instinct. Yet this is one of the few times I can't just use the facade I'm so used to using...I can't become the cold, unassuming, cruel and unforgiving person that I know lives deep inside, that comes out when I've had enough of being treated like shit all the time.

I spent the entire weekend missing and wishing and this is what I get in return.

Funny how the one thing I can't fucking find is for the thing that I'm losing without any understanding of why this is going the way it is. Maybe too little too late. This was doomed from the start yet when I pushed for it to work it did...or at least I thought that. I'm hoping it is working still unless there are underlying factors I'm unaware of at this point.

It's quickly becoming a shitty end to a decent weekend.

Fuck my emo-ness. I'm not my sister and I shouldn't worry about this shit. There are solutions to every situation.

Vegas was good overall despite the shortcomings (both small and large). I worry too much really, but I did feel at some point there were several people who were a little inconsiderate to certain issues, and my lack of sleep only added to my grumpiness.

I am just the slightest bit not feeling well over a few things (non Vegas related). I hope in the end they work out for the better really. It did suck, though, that I missed out on a lot of events happening this weekend that I would have gladly gone to otherwise if not for the Vegas trip.

Will definitely go for a shorter period of time next time. Four days is too long...I think 2 nights/3 days would be best for me since I'm not much of a gambler. I need to bring my SLR next time to catch all the photos...I know for a fact that will definitely kill several hours. Now that I know the strip a little bit I can go off on my own more without relying on other people to guide me around.

( Where is my mind going? )

I don't know where I pulled that out of, but I think it started with one of my friends suggesting that I experiment a little more with the colors...and then all the Aicube music I started listening to must have gotten to my head somehow. That and staring at Joshua Davis may have something to do with this madness. MADNESS I TELL YOU.

That last paragraph sounds like a living dream or something. o_O;;

( BUT BETTER. )

I could have used the previous idea I was going for, but I wanted to match my business card (this is as close to the final design as I currently have uploaded on a whim) right now. Too many ideas so I just used all of them. The only thing that sucks is with the way I'm looking to design my portfolio, the background will have to stay static as is regardless of resolution because of my border ;_; I'll have to think of a creative way to utilize the space around my background until them.

breaktime @_@

I had a nightmare that I missed my Japanese final by about two hours...or so I think. I didn't get to the end of my dream where I check myucdavis to see if I did indeed miss it or not. Furthermore I had to choose staying at the house of the guy I'm currently dating or my ex's place after finals.

But this has brought me to three conclusions/questions.

1) I read WAY too much "Paradise Kiss" in the last two days (all five volumes; for those that know the storyline you know what I'm referring to with the love triangle of sorts)
2) WHAT THE HELL... I'M NOT A STUDENT ANYMORE.
3) Where did Japanese class come from? I didn't even touch Japanese in college.

so ya.

For anyone that's interested (HAY EUGENE!), I was at Mitsuwa today when I saw a flyer for a piano concert on September 28th that will have music from Nodame Cantabile. It's two pianists and a violinist, and it's at Santa Clara University's recital hall at 3:30 p.m. I'd go but I'll be in Vegas that weekend =(

You can find ticket information by emailing hirokothepiano@hotmail.com. It's $18/ticket.

Pianists: Hiroko Mizuno and Yumi Toyama
Violinist: Christina Ho

YEAH BITCH MY BUSINESS CARD'S DONE FINALLY. TAKE THAT EPSON 88 AND THE SHITTY AVERY ILLUSTRATOR TEMPLATE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH THE CARDS. YEAH I MADE IT WORK BITCH. I MADE IT WORK. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

i'll post up graphics of the front and later. in the meanwhile...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Now that my mom is out visiting family for a day, my dad is blasting his old school 70s music throughout the house.

I think it is time for me to blast Robert Miles music now. XD my mom would hate us if she were here right now. Bahahahahaha.